


Two Voyeurs in the Night

by guninmypocket (wishfulthinkment)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationship, F/F, F/M, Humour, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2035989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulthinkment/pseuds/guninmypocket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts when Emma decides to move into the mansion with Regina and Henry.  Zelena is out on parole and looking for a place to stay, and Hook decides that now would be a prime opportunity to look into purchasing real estate.  </p><p>As it just so happens – and, of course, it’s entirely coincidental – that there are two vacancies that quickly open up on Mifflin Street.</p><p>A story about my two favourite creepers and their special love.  Wicked Wanker, with background Swan Queen.  Crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Voyeurs in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Okay, so this is my pet crack!ship, my favourite baby of all time. This is like crack-but-not-crack, because seriously, they're a match made in heaven. I figured that Hook needed (nay, deserved!) a woman that would be as creepily obsessed with him as he would be with her, and Zelena fit that bill so perfectly that this fic was born. 
> 
> This is the first fic for this ship so I had a little trouble deciding on a name.
> 
> Wicked Hook? Wicked Captain? Captain Wicked? Wicked Wanker? *cackles* ...Wicked Wanker.

It starts when Emma decides to move into the mansion with Regina and Henry. Zelena is out on parole and looking for a place to stay, and Hook decides that now would be a prime opportunity to look into real estate. As it just so happens – and, of course, it’s _entirely_ coincidental – that there are two vacancies that quickly open up on Mifflin Street.

Henry’s not too upset by the fact that Aunt Zelena’s living next door – now that the Good Cop is living under the same room as the Bad Cop he can’t get away with a damn thing, so he appreciates having a Cool Aunt in such close range. He feels slightly less neighborly towards Hook, who’s taken up residence across the street, but that’s quite another thing that, in all likelihood, feeds off of the Good Cop’s attitude towards the Pirate.

Because Emma, while wary of Zelena, is rather more hostile towards Hook and would try to evict him, except for her father’s bro-crush on the Pirate. He’s been so pleased to see Hook settling down in Storybrooke he doesn't even find it at all suspicious that he’s chosen 107 Mifflin Street as his new home. She still didn’t understand how he’d managed to afford it, considering he couldn’t afford a different change of clothes, but whatever.

Regina, on the other hand, has achieved an almost zen-like state of not giving a single, solitary fuck about anything, anymore, ever again. She has Henry, she has Emma (suck it, Pirate!), she has a Sister and so long as all of the Idiots remain at a reasonable distance, she’s happy. She doesn’t think that there’s really anything more that she could ask for, although Emma is quite sure that, if anyone ever tries to disrupt the present feng shui of Regina’s life, there will most certainly be blood.

Zelena decides to take up astronomy to keep herself occupied, and that it requires a massive-ass telescope is none of anybody’s business. She does actually like to study the stars, and it certainly doesn’t hurt that the room she’s placed it in is a prime vantage point for looking through Regina’s windows.

Even in a new world, old habits die hard.

And, really, it’s something she _knows_ is bad for her, watching the three of them play happy family, because her anger has died down and all she feels is sad, because that’s not her life, and never will be. She goes to her bi-weekly court-mandated therapy sessions with Archie and, while she had sat there sullenly half of the time at first and, while she still hates talking about her feelings and, while she still hasn’t confessed about the astronomy-thing, it helps.

Hook is a little less conspicuous about his… _activities,_ and it almost makes Zelena sprain her eyes from rolling them.  For one, while her telescope is far bigger than his, she has a reason for using it other than to spy on her sister and her girlfriend.  He has absolutely no excuse for waving that teeny thing around in the dead of night.  

It’s disgusting.

* * *

The parole board won’t allow her get cable (for whatever reason) so she doesn’t _really_ feel bad about getting off to the noises that come from next door (and _good god_ , do they come from next door). She’s living vicariously and she knows it, but she’s got nothing else to do with her time besides baking and she _hates_ baking.

(That’s the other good thing that’s come from therapy – just because she’s _good_ in the kitchen, doesn’t mean she has to _like_ it. She finds that she’s grown rather fond of take-out, because she enjoys the idea of other people preparing her food.  It's a luxury, and that's something she craves.)

It’s when she sees Hook actually snooping around the grounds of the mayoral mansion that she decides to take action. There’s only one person that’s allowed to covet her sister’s girlfriend and she’s it. That there’s also a stirring of familial loyalty in amongst her motives is irrelevant – this is her territory and she doesn’t appreciate the intrusion one little bit.

That’s the first time that Hook’s hook goes missing.

She swings her telescope across the street to watch his reaction and (she can’t help it) she cackles as she watches him scramble, looking for it.

She confides in Archie that she enjoyed messing with the Pirate and to her surprise Archie actually encourages it.  He tells her that she needs a hobby – an _actual_ hobby this time – and his glare tells her that he hadn’t bought the astronomy story for a second.

She merely sniffs in response, but she considers that idea this is something good, something that she _likes,_ that is actually _hers._

Hook runs through several hooks before he twigs to the fact that it’s not Regina that’s been nicking them and while Zelena’s disappointed that it’s taken him so long to figure it out, the first time she arrives home to find the furniture slightly out of place, it makes her smile.

So she turns his rum to sarsaparilla.

In return, he replaces her green apples with potatoes.

_Amateur._

She only needs a little magic to un-cook his fish as he’s eating it. She watches with delight as he tries surprise-sashimi for the first time and she laughs until she cries at the look of abject horror on his face when the rest of the fish starts twitching on the plate.

It’s the best fun she’s had in years.

She figures that she’d rearrange his wardrobe if there were anything to rearrange, so she magics in a whole new one instead. The items of clothing are everything he hates, all preppy and no leather, nothing that would lend itself to brooding and for the day or two that he gets about the house naked before her spell wears off her telescope is pointed over the street more often than not.

* * *

But then things get serious.

Zelena’s got her telescope over at number 108, listening to the Savior scream, hand down her pants, “living vicariously” and _god she needs to get cable_ because honestly, this is _ridiculous._ It’s a full moon and she’d so fucking close when she sees it from the corner of her eye. It’s a glint of light, coming from over the street. She hates to be distracted at a time like this but her curiosity has been piqued. Her telescope swings over to number 107 and it takes her pleasure-buzzed brain a moment to figure out what it is.

What she sees is a moonbeam bouncing off a telescope lens.

But the Pirate’s telescope isn’t pointed at 108 Mifflin Street.

It’s pointed at 106 Mifflin Street, and if she didn’t know before then she certainly knows now: being watched is a major turn-on for her.

Zelena has the presence of mind to cast a little spell – it’s basically a silencing spell in reverse, and it allows her to hear what’s going on over at number 107.

She hears it, the rhythmic huffs and puffs and grunts, and she moans.

The hills are alive with the sound of wanking.

She feels the attention as though it were a bolt of lightening and the fact that someone _sees_ her, someone _wants_ her, even just for a moment, it lights her up. And if it feels a little like spitting in Rumple’s face, the way that the eyes of his most hated enemy eat her up, then that’s just a bonus.

Her dreams that night are filled with “adventures on the high seas” and when she runs into Hook the next day behind the diner she just about bites his face off. She grabs his chin with one hand and roughly shoves him back against the wall and it’s a short kiss, but a vicious one, and now she knows what his mouth tastes like.

She hates rum, but she can manage.

Her telescope is now aimed at 107 Mifflin Street more than it is anywhere else.

Hook seems so peaceful when he sleeps, and she finds a somewhat surprising pleasure in watching him eat and watch TV (he has cable) and a not-so-surprising pleasure in watching him undress and shower and wank.

Zelena makes sure to put on a show for him too, mind, and on the odd occasion that she hears things go bump in the night (she knows it’s Hook, the oaf, still as unsubtle as an ogre) her hand finds its way south and she doesn’t bother holding anything back.

* * *

The weeks pass and Emma and Regina are pregnant (Magic baby, who knew?) (Trick question: Zelena knew!) and Zelena finds that the back and forth between the two of them changes yet again.

She’s smarting at the news, and she knows that Hook is too because his libido has taken a tumble. He’s moping as though the baby is the final nail in the coffin, the thing that makes Emma’s relationship with Regina real, and that smarts too.

Zelena knows that she doesn’t have a chance with the Savior, and has known it for quite a while, and now the thing that she cannot quite abide is the thought of Killian (…and when _exactly_ had he become Killian?) having unresolved feelings for Emma.

Let it never be said that she wasn’t a jealous woman.

So Hook begins to wake up to coffee he hadn’t brewed.

His liquor cabinet is stocked with rum that he didn’t buy.

She cleans his house and tucks him in and she even bakes him a _fucking pie_.

She casts him a little reverse-reverse-silencing spell so that he can hear her moan his name when she comes.

Then one morning she wakes to him smelling her hair.

She rolls over and is on him in an instant, one hand at the nape of his neck, the other hand cupping his package.

“Good morning, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Let me know what you thought about this fic, and let me know your opinion on the ship name.


End file.
